The big, the bad, and the ugly

Luckily I waited till after the gym to write this post, but positive patty is definitely going to be absent from it. Although I have a gym at my apartment I signed up for another gym so I could take some classes this week. The new gym has a scale at it. I stepped on the scale to find out exactly what I weighed and almost died. Holy freaking lbs!!!!! I weigh a 118 pounds. And before you scoff me off thinking that's not very much, remember I'm only 5'2". Not only is that one of the highest numbers I've ever seen, but it's about SIX POUNDS higher than when I started. I don't know exactly what I weighed, but at the doctor they weighed me with sweats, sweatshirt, and about 4 other layers and I was 116, so I was guessing without all the layers I was about 112. This was towards the end of February so I had already been running a little bit, but that is a pretty normal range for me is 112-114, NOT 118! I tried to take a deep breath and tell myself not to freak out, hey it's probably just muscle. I had heard a lot of people gain weight when they start running, so I just kept trying to give myself little pep talks so I wouldn't freak out.

Then today happened... It's been 2 weeks since the last time I did my measurements, so this morning I took my measurements. Now I knew these two weeks hadn't been the best weeks so I wasn't expecting to have lost any inches, but I certainly wasn't expecting to GAIN!!! That's right I am BIGGER than I was when I started. I almost cried when I took my measurements and I almost cried again typing that. I seriously don't get it. I know I only ran twice this week, but I also took a boot camp class, did physical therapy, and ate pretty darn healthy. I think all week I have only had 2 cookies which for me is pretty good. I have eaten tons of fruit and veggies, and chicken has been the only meat I have eaten all week. I just don't FREAKING GET IT!!! How can doing less than what you have been doing be worse than doing nothing at all!?!?!?!

To say the least I'm really frustrated. I feel like this happens to me every time. It's like every time I start working out, or eating healthier it's worse for me. Every time I start working out it's like it makes my metabolism worse. I will go from not really watching what I eat, and not working and weighing 112-114 (in my okish range, but not happy in a swimsuit) to working out and then being bigger than before. It's an on going cycle THAT KEEPS HAPPENING. I seriously don't get it! It's like if 3 years ago I never would of started this stupid cycle I would be skinnier than I am now, eating whatever I wanted, and not working out. I HATE IT!

I wish I was one of those people that when they get upset/mad/frustrated  they went to the gym and took it out through exercise, but I'm not. I really, really just wanted to quit to say well fuck it, if I'm going to be fat I might as well be happy eating what I want and not having to work out. And then I remembered that I am signed up for 4 races in the next 7 weeks. I think that this is why people sign up for things in advance, that way when they have bad weeks days like I am currently having today they keep going. I got my stupid big butt, that is an inch bigger than when I started) to the gym. I only ran 1.5 miles, but I stayed above 6.0 the whole time and ran .25 at 6.3 and the last .05 at 7.5. I was trying to work on speed/get a good workout in without running too far. I am going to do my 4 mile run tomorrow because my legs are still pretty sore from boot camp, and I had only ran one other time this week.

You'd think with this much frustration it would be enough motivation to not skip workouts, but some how it hasn't been so far. I know that all I have are crap excuses, but somehow I still end up talking myself out of workouts. But tomorrow I don't care if I freaking die along the way I am going to run my stupid 4 miles. (I think writing this post killed any of me feeling better after my run, I almost feel frustrated enough to go run) After my run today when I was stretching I was sitting there thinking well I'll just get through the races I signed up for and then I'm done, I'm over all of this and I'm not going to keep working this hard and putting in effort for nothing. And then I stopped myself and I realized that no, actually I really want to be able to wear shorts, and dresses, and swim suits this summer. I want to not have cellulite and huge nasty arms, and I want to feel confident. It's still ungodly frustrating to think I am just trying to get back to where I was 3 years ago, where I had a body I felt ok in a swimsuit in without doing anything/watching what I ate BUT OH FREAKING WELL.

I was going to end this post with a positive picture, but I don't have any positivity today.